Saturday, March 13, 2010

Little OLD Me

Don't be fooled by my documented New York escapades. The friends who know me best know the truth: inside I'm a regular ol' senior citizen.

Sure, I don't look like an old lady yet (with the exception of one godforsaken gray hair that keeps growing back into my bangs and an affinity for cardigan sweaters). Still, more often than not, I can relate to the habits- albeit stereotypical habits - of old folks.

For starters, I have an old lady's back. After more than a decade of pretty miserable aches and pains, I recently decided to see a chiropractor. As the daughter of an MD, I had my fair share of hesitation. Could all that cracking and twisting really be good for you?

Before my first appointment I was nervous. The one chiropractor move I imagined looked a little too much like the tactic a serial killer might use to snap my neck.

After a series of x-rays, the chiropractor asked if I could recall a nasty fall or accident, about five or ten year ago, that could have fractured my tail bone because, apparently, I have a fractured tail bone!

A few snowboarding slips, bicycle collisions and one cannonball into a pond from a treacherous tree-jump nicknamed "Big Balls" (sorry Mom) flashed through my brain. But, a fractured tail bone? I felt like one of those crazy girls on Discovery Channel's "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." If one of my bones is broken or fractured, I'd like to think I would realize it.

I didn't, and according to my chiropractor I've been compensating for this discomfort for years by subconsciously removing pressure from my right side. I sit wrong, walk wrong, stand wrong and all that wrong has slowly taken a toll on the curve of my spine, compounding the problem.

"Big Balls" Tree Jump in Orlando, Florida. That's not me jumping, but I once did this to impress a cute boy.

I now visit the chiropractor two to three times a week for quick re-adjustments that should eventually correct some of the damage. I look forward to the visits. The louder the crunch of my bones, the better I seem to feel.

The doc also fitted me for orthodics, cast-like shoe insoles that create a healthy arch and correct my habit of standing on the insides of my feet. That's right, like Bertha and Maryann at the shuffle board court, I rock true old lady feet accessories. They're unattractive, but I love them and miss them when they're not in.

As a not-so-secret senior citizen, I'm also a sucker for infomerical goodies - even better when they help with one my old lady habits. I don't usually dial in and buy them (also indecisvie like an old lady), but this latest gadget has me seriously considering a purchase.

Introducing iPosture, a nano-sensor worn close to your chest that actually vibrates each time your posture deviates 3 degrees from "healthy" for longer than a minute. In other words, every time you slouch this clip buzzes you back up. It's like an overbearing mother clipped to your bra strap which somehow appeals to me.

For $75 bucks it may not entirely be worth it, but the following old-lady essentials absoltuley are:

Kashi's Fiber-Filled Good Friend's Cereal

J-Crew Argyle Anything

OK, I'm kidding.


  1. hahahaha you are ridiculous, tell me you don't own that posture buzzer. "Wear it as a stylish pendant." You should call those people and be like, "Listen here, i live in New York freakin City! You better work on the design!" And those people on the Kashi box are hilarious. haha i do feel you on the cardigans though. My sister tells me regularly that i dress like Mr. Rogers. I oughta beat her with my cane.

  2. who is the man in the last picture?

  3. robert redford...old ladies can't get enough.