Not so precious.

Editor's Note: A draft of this post sat unfinished in my Blogger outbox for almost a year. It's old, but I figured if I still like telling my girlfriends the story, it's probably still worth a post. Please ignore the references to time as most of them are no longer accurate. Thanks for reading. -V


A guy I used to date asked me to meet him for a drink recently.

The invitation came via gchat the morning after I randomly bumped into him on sidewalk in Brooklyn. I hadn't seen him in years. I thought he lived in Chicago or maybe Spain. It was tough to keep track after he de-friended me on Facebook.

I wont go deep into the convoluted details of our short-lived, mellow-dramatic past (as the always aggressive Facebook de-friend says most of it.) But, it's probably prudent to note that our one month pseudo-relationship included his two sleeves of tattoos, my phone number on a cocktail napkin, a kiss that made me drop my purse, a secret girlfriend, a flight to Chicago and the first time a man seriously said "f**k you" to me. 

I actually wrote the blog post, "Braceface"  back in November of 2010 after the night we met. (For story-telling purposes I'll refer to him as Steve.)

Steve wanted to meet up to say things in person. Jon and I were very happily together. I labored over my email reply.

The thing is, Steve and I were never friends. We met at a bar while he was visiting New York for the weekend. I liked him fast. Even after he admitted that he had a girlfriend. It was romantic the way thunderstorms are.

I ended things with Steve just a few days after I met Jon (my now husband-to-be). Back then, I didn't know if Jon was the one, but meeting him immediately confirmed that Steve wasn't. Steve lived in Chicago. Steve was mean to me on the phone. Steve was unpredictable in the wrong way. I ended it a bit abruptly with an awkward phone call and ill-explained reasons: "It's just that I don't want to do long distance, and we've been arguing, and I met someone else, and I shouldn't be doing this with you  if I can see something with someone else." It wasn't the most eloquent bow out.  

Steve was angry and hurt. He accused me of misleading him, of manipulating him, of needing to grow up. He promised I would regret my decision. Eventually, he de-friended me on Facebook which burned a lot (more than it should). I had some experience with romantic rejection but friendship rejection made me wildly uncomfortable. I feebly tried to make it better with an email. He stuck to his guns. He didn't want anything to do with me.

A "catch up" after a couple lost years felt unnatural. The proposed meet up couldn't and wouldn't be casual. He apparently had things to say. The whole thing made my heart thud fast.

I needed Jon's opinion and approval. Yes, his permission. Steve certainly wasn't worth a secret. Jon, being Jon, didn't care. Meet the guy if you want, he advised. Maybe Steve needs closure.

So I agreed to meet Steve for one drink. Of course he picked the bar where we met. Before walking in, I paced outside the door, smudging off lipstick, fumbling with the top buttons on my cardigan. I strategized how I would greet him.

To be honest, I presumed he invited me there to woo me or win me back. I planned to offer the most platonic vibe possible. Handshake. Limited eye contact.

I passed by where he was sitting at the bar at least twice before I spotted him. He had watched me scan the rows, silently sipping an old fashioned or some other vintage drink to match his Mad Men side part. When I made eye contact he just smirked a smug smirk. He was quiet as I took the stool beside him. He was really good at that whole brooding, pensive, furrowed brow BS.

I broke the silence with an over eager out pour of my pre-approved platonic talking points. How do you like New York? How's work? Stuff like that. After just about every normal thing Steve said he inserted a dramatic pause when he would stare at me or his drink for enough seconds to make me uncomfortable. Finally, he cut to the chase. I wish I could remember his tirade word for word but my memory probably left it out of my brain for a reason.

The overall gist was that I'm a terrible, self-absorbed, naive and unaware person. Oh and he has a new girlfriend now that's much better. He punctuated it all with words I didn't forget.

"You're not so precious, Vanessa."

The whole thing hurt. I wish I could say that it didn't. It shocked me that a man would invite me to a bar, years later, to hurl out some insults and make sure he got the final word. I dismissed myself from the bar stool, wished him well and exited.

When I got home, I felt sick. I had to accept that this person basically hated me, and I hated that feeling. I want to be liked and loved. I want my ex's to be my friends. I want to remember things and experiences fondly. I don't want to be hated. But this time it didn't really matter what I wanted. I couldn't fix this one.

The whole thing taught me a pretty important life lesson: Not everybody is going to like me. I'm not entitled to that.

Relationships can get ugly. Most of us end up hurting people, and even when we apologize, we're not entitled to their forgiveness.

Sure a lot of Steve's insults were unwarranted. I realize that I'm not a mean or self-absorbed person. But I was a little careless with Steve. While we were dating, I prioritized myself and my feelings, not his. As soon as I met Jon, I pulled the plug on him. That must have sucked for Steve and if he wants to de-friend me on Facebook and hate me, I can't really blame him.

I wanted to tie a bow around it and make it "all better" for myself, to assuage my own ego. But relationships aren't always "so precious". Sometimes when you break things, no matter how unsettling it feels, you should just leave them broken. It's better that way, for everybody.

My other big take away from the Steve situation: Mom was right. Boys covered in tattoos are trouble.

OH MY DIAMOND

Returning to this blog after more than a year of silence is tough. So, I'll do it the cheapest way I know how: with a flagrant summation of one of my latest celebrity run-ins.

It was my last week of work at the fancy pants restaurant where I managed events for about 4 years. I had coordinated a lady lunch fundraiser for a charity promoting heart health. There were a few events starting at the same time that afternoon so my boss asked me to stand as greeter outside the dining room. For a few hours I stood directing the parade of Christian Louboutins toward their table or nearest restroom. It wasn't the most glamorous post, but the occasional Katie Couric/Hoda sighting kept things interesting.

Per usual, an army of young black-dress-clad PR girls had been assigned to event check-in. The girl in charge was an insufferable thin British broad who simply couldn't stop complaining.

The raspberries in the champagne flutes aren't sinking.
The fire exit signs are ugly. Can we cover them?
The toilet seat in the handicap restroom seems too tall.

I spent the morning trying to avoid her breathy accented commands until finally she approached me with a request I could tolerate.

She asked if, on her signal, I could escort a guest to the nearest land line telephone (downstairs in my boss' office). A "very important" guest needed to take a quiet call. I obliged and waited. A few minutes later she frantically flailed her gaunt arms at me from across the room (the not-so-subtle signal). The crowd parted and Barbara Streisand came power walking toward me.

Barbara was arguing with another woman as they rushed over. I sprinted ahead and led them down a hall toward the elevator that leads to my boss' office. They didn't pause to acknowledge me until the elevator doors closed. "Thank you dear," Barbara Streisand said to me (to me!). I squeaked a your welcome and pressed the same button 6 more times. When we entered the office, Barbara immediately poured into my boss' swivel chair and let out an exaggerated sigh (exactly the way I hoped she would). She grabbed an unopened bottle of Perrier on his desk and pointed it at me. "May I?"

Of course! I dove across the office to grab her a napkin. The other woman (who turned out to be her agent) dialed someone from QVC on speaker phone. Barbara proceeded to do a 10 minute interview about her latest album. I waited outside as she chatted.

When she was done, she left the half full Perrier (which I kept like a weirdo) and asked me to guide her back upstairs. My coworker followed us back up. We were out of the elevator and almost back to the doors of the restaurant when (my new BFF) Barb let out a shriek!

"OH MY DIAMOND," Barbara Streisand screamed as she lurched forward to try to catch the giant pendant that had just fallen from her necklace.

My coworker and I fell to the floor like we were on fire. Something shiny and more expensive than our apartments had just skated across the room. When we found it (thank you baby Jesus) Barbara nervously begged my coworker to put it back on her. Once it was back around her neck, Barbara turned to me and her agent and asked if she looked alright. I nodded an immediate yes as her agent fussed with her bangs for a moment before sending her back into the party.

I like to tell people that Barb winked at me before leaving, but I'm fairly certain that's a lie. Either way, we saved her diamond and her half drunk bottle of water.

oops.

He surprised me with a tough to get reservation at ABC Kitchen, the Jean-Georges restaurant I had been craving since we met. Our table was candlelit and decorated with flowers. He made a toast to us. I sobbed the entire cab ride home.

This isn't a post about the night Jon proposed. It's about the night he didn't. 

Allow me to rewind about four months.

Jon spent Thanksgiving with my family in Tampa this year. During our two year relationship he had hung out with the Garcia's at least half a dozen times but having him home for a holiday felt extra special. He drank scotch with my dad. He put my parents' gadgets up on the Cloud. He eagerly accepted multiple servings of my mom's empanadas. Jon fit in effortlessly. It was a really good Thanksgiving. Possibly too good.

As Jon gained approval, the when's-the-wedding bug spread. My mom made her case for a winter wedding in Florida. My friends took turns guessing the proposal date. And my dear sister, well, she waited six minutes after picking us up from the airport to cut the radio and deploy the third degree. Something like, "You know you gotta get married before you move in together. Seriously, the family won't approve. Seriously."

Of course I had thought about marrying Jon. Who are we kidding-- I've spent countless hours (days, months) daydreaming about a wedding and marriage with him. I've practiced signing his last name. I've Pinned my favorite bridal bouquets, cakes and sweetheart necklines. I've even thought about what our babies would look like (all nose). I'll admit I've been shamelessly using my job as event planner as an excuse to dream up my wedding for half a decade. 

But thinking or even Pinning about a wedding or proposal is very different from actually planning a real live one. As a relatively rational woman for 28 years (breezing past the early teens),  I know just how dangerous premature planning can be. Still, with a little too much encouragement from the peanut gallery in Tampa, I caught that pesky wedding bug too. I let myself wonder, really wonder, when Jon might pop the question. Wondering boiled into obsessing until, while sitting in a pedicure chair next to my best friend, I convinced myself that he would do it right after we got back to New York. All (two) of the signs were there. 

Sign #1: He asked me to save the 2nd anniversary of our first kiss for a surprise plan (Well, he didn't reference the anniversary. He just said don't make plans on Wednesday which happened to be the anniversary of our first kiss. Ya know, that anniversary that every man commits to memory.) 

Sign #2: He had plenty of one-on-one time with Dad while he was in Tampa.

It was decided! I squealed, selected a pale pink nail polish suitable for an engaged hand and boarded a plane to New York.

At work on wedding-proposal Wednesday, I simply couldn't help myself. I told my colleagues and anyone within ear shot that I thought it was happening that night. Jon didn't help. He refused to reveal our plan for the evening. Just wait for a text, he explained, unknowingly perpetuating the rom-com engagement that was reeling through my imagination. At around 3:00 p.m my phone buzzed "Meet me at the corner of Broadway and 17th St. at 5:20 p.m." 

We met. He grinned as he lead me into ABC Kitchen, our candlelit table, our perfect bottle of wine. He grinned through our tuna sashimi and chicken liver toast appetizers. He told me about his day. He ordered us meticulously muddled cocktails. He insisted on dessert. He was having a lovely dinner. Meanwhile, across the table, I was freaking out. When is he gonna do this? Is there a ring on that strawberry?  What if I swallow it? Maybe it's happening after we eat? Do the waiters know? I should put on lipstick. 

After dinner, as Jon hailed a cab and complained that he was too full to walk to my apartment, my brain finally began to compute that it wasn't happening. I wasn't getting engaged. It was simply a lovely, thoughtful surprise reservation. No proposal. Not happening. Get a grip.

Thing is, I couldn't. In the back seat of the cab I did the only thing I didn't want to do. I cried. Hard. Jon turned to me startled. I struggled to catch my breath as he asked what was wrong. I wasn't angry. I wasn't even sad. I was embarrassed and overwhelmed and frankly I was exhausted. I had spent the last week of my life out of my mind. 

After unsuccessfully searching for a lie to explain my outburst, I smeared my mascara, snorted up some tears and admitted why I was crying. Jon laughed. Hard. He wrapped his arms around me and assured me that I was crazy, that he wasn't going to propose in a restaurant and that he certainly wasn't going to propose when I expected it. 

As  embarrassing as that night (and the subsequent morning at work) was, I'm glad it happened. After that excruciating cab ride home, I truly let go. I let go of predicting and planning. I kept the Pinterest board (duh) but I shoved the engagement out of my brain. When Mom asked about it, I shushed her and changed the subject. I was grateful for my relationship where it was.

About a month later, in the middle of our move to our new apartment, barefoot and in between dusty boxes, Jon got down on one knee and gave me the greatest shock of my life.

Our first photo after the proposal...taken by our doorman :) 

blah blog

"So, do you think you'll blog tonight?" my boyfriend asked casually over dinner.

I was mid-chew through an awkwardly large piece of spicy tuna roll. I'm glad my mouth was too full to answer.

He was off to watch football with some friends after dinner. I had big plans to melt into a couch while watching some pathetic Kardashian Real Housewives Say Yes to the Dress marathon. It was Sunday night, after all.

A year ago, it felt wrong to take a few days off blogging. Lately I can hardly burp up one post per season.

I dipped another roll in soy sauce. He asked why I haven't put a post up in a while.

Without thinking too much about it I blurted out an explanation even I wasn't expecting.

"I guess it was a single gal's blog."

Gag me with a chopstick.

I hated the answer so much I forced a laugh after I said it to make it sound like sarcasm. He went back to his sushi. I changed the subject.

Back home alone after dinner not even the Real Housewives of Atlanta could distract me from the stomach turning truth.

I started Orange to Apple a few years ago, literally days after a 4-year relationship had ended abruptly. It was that tricky period in the wake of heartbreak when those 20 minutes before falling asleep at night are terrifying. I tucked myself in with my laptop. Instead of saying goodnight to him, I would write posts about what I had for dinner. Instead of telling him about my day, I published it for friends and friends of friends and eventually some strangers to read.

When I started dating again, I made a rule that I couldn't post about guys while I was actively seeing them. I could only make reference to my romantic interests after things fizzled out (as they seemed to do for a while). I can distinctly remember faking a stomach ache on a bad date so I could run home to write the blog post.

Sometimes after posting more personal experiences or intimate thoughts, I would get Facebook messages from readers letting me know they could relate or that they had forwarded my link to their little sister or coworkers. It felt good.

Then Jon came along- one that hasn't fizzled out. As things progressed with him blogging fell out of my routine. Not that it's his fault. There's certainly time for blogging, and I'm sure there are things worth blogging. But I guess I don't need Orange to Apple like I used to. I have him.

Single girl's blog? Yuck.

I need to make up with my blog.

Evil Eyebrows

I've always loved Halloween.

I remember defending it at elementary school recess. A heated debate had broken out on the blacktop over which holiday was "the best." I campaigned passionately for candy corns over candy canes and trick or treating over caroling. Christmas won (it was a Catholic school, after all). But my love for the spookiest holiday hung on.

There was just so much to adore- cotton cobwebs in bushes, getting fake blood all over my mom's fancy hand towels, orange and black rubber bands stretched around my braces. Oh and that beloved plastic candy-bloated pumpkin I'd hoard in my bedroom for weeks.

I still adore the holiday and the giant furry spider I hung like mistletoe over my doorway this weekend. But there was this one Halloween- the dark Halloween of 1997- when I didn't love it at all.

I was 12, somewhere between Puffalumps and training bras. You know, that precarious transition when the games, hobbies and toys you loved for a decade become wildly uncool overnight.

I loved Halloween so I took costume selection very seriously.

That year I begged my mom for the ultimate costume straight out of the Disney Store catalog. I would be the evil stepmother from Snow White. Headpiece with sewn in crown, neck to toes draped in a cape, apple and mirror accessory in hand- it would be epic.

I woke up at 4am before school on Halloween to dress and do makeup, borrowing my mom's eyeliner to make my eyebrows look evil. I don't remember how I got to school that day but I'm assuming my siblings weren't there. They couldn't have been. They wouldn't have let me.

I walked into the auditorium where all the grades 5th through 8th gathered before homeroom. Jansport slung over my cape. Mirror and apple in hand.

Nobody else was in costume.

Sure, there were a few adorable bunny ears and bobbing insect antennas over regular clothes. There were a handful of Dracula teeth retainers and embroidered pumpkin sweaters. The cool 8th graders had dressed up like tie dye Rastafarian's. But, no costume costumes. No full body witch suits. No, none of those. Damn Disney catalog.

I ripped the crown cap off first, smearing my eyebrows. It was the only thing I could shed. I wore the costume all day, to every class- I had to- until returning home to yell at my mother for giving me what I had begged for.

I swore off Halloween. The next year I went as a skater girl in wide leg JNCOS. I made fun of anyone who didn't.

Years later, despite the trauma, I learned to love my favorite holiday again.

I still take costume selection seriously. This year my boyfriend was a matador. I was a bull.

But I'll never forget 1997- the Halloween that will never stop haunting.

I can't help it.

I ride the subway to work; I have most mornings and evenings since moving to this big sticky city three and a half years ago. By now, I've more than memorized the commute. Coffee in hand, iPod in ears, I float past mass transit's daily motley crew. Swiping my subway card, pushing through the turnstile, dodging puddles of urine on the platform- it's my routine.

Hang out underground long enough and you get accustomed to a whole load of crazy. In fact, it takes a lot- probably too much- to elicit a double take or surprise from me these days. By now, my tolerance for weirdos is high.

The other day while trying not to stare at a middle-aged male passenger who was wearing a toga and smearing his face with red and blue pastel crayons- I decided I should probably tell you (dear readers) all about what goes down, down there.

I decided there are three main categories of crazies encountered, on a daily basis, on New York City's proud subway system.

1. Harmless Crazy

The man in the toga neatly sums up this "type". They are the ones wearing ridiculous clothing, and I'm not talking Goth piercings, emo eyeliner or other mainstream misfits. These people wear togas, Chiquita banana hats (true) and superhero capes with a very straight face. They carry super sized plastic bags stuffed with 1,000 empty soda cans during rush hour (literally). Or they dress normal, but act ridiculous- like the old lady on the L-train who asked me to unhook the earrings from her droopy earlobes (I reluctantly said yes) and, 4 minutes later, asked me to hook them back in.

They are harmless and, for the most part, entertaining.

2. Please Don't Kill Me Crazy

As the classification hints, this second category of subway riders are pretty freaking scary. I'm referring to the junkies and other cracked out lunatics that like to talk to themselves or, even better, shout and flail their arms at imaginary enemies. These dudes are everywhere, and for the first five seconds when you wonder if "I'm gonna
break your f***ing face" is directed at you, they can be terrifying. Lucky for all of us, they are rarely ever talking to anyone on the train. These ladies and gents are caught up in an entirely different reality- which apparently includes that dead mother bleeper who stole their Miller Lite lawn chair (to paraphrase).

3. Please Don't Poop On Me Crazy

It's the worst kind of subway crazy. The kind that makes you want to shower for 6 hours and/or knock yourself out in hopes that amnesia will erase the memory of what you saw or smelled. And it's not always poop. Once I was on a train with an old woman who was pouring entire bottles of rubbing alcohol all over her unnaturally dirty bare feet. Another time- brace yourself- a man dropped a used condom on the floor in front of me. I'm still traumatized.

Three years in New York, 3,000+ subway rides, 3 categories of crazy. Have I had enough?

Three words: I heart NYC

I can’t help it.

Flying Kites

I'm not cool.

I use the word bananas as an adjective. I'd rather stay home and watch the Bachelorette.

But, sometimes, the cool people I hang around let me pretend.

Like last Wednesday night when I got a tattoo.

Well, not officially; I'll never be cool enough for a real tat. My new body art is temporary and for charity. I was stamped at an event celebrating The Temporary Tattoo Project which raises funds for Flying Kites, a Brooklyn-based organization that sponsors needy children in Kenya. Six of the country's top tattoo artists designed limited edition temporary tattoos inspired by the children they support. (More info at http://thetemporarytattooproject.org/).

The designs are awesome- a lion prancing on a retro airplane, a koi fish, a funky looking horse- exactly what I might get if I were cool enough to wear a tat. I picked a colorful flying kite on the lower left side of my back (don't worry- that's just left and north of tramp stamp territory). It came with a postcard keepsake (pictured below).


As soon as it was rubbed on I felt different- hip, edgy, definitely cool.

My boyfriend Jon had a baseball sized roaring lion head printed on his forearm. Even under his preppy button-down shirt and Virginia frat boy hair, he was also instantly upgraded to badass.

After the event we strut through the East Village- Jon over-flashing his arm; Me wishing my back tat was visible to passersbys. I was giggly sitting across from Jon's ultra hip forearm at dinner waiting for the waitress or person next to us to catch a glimpse.

Yeah, we're just hip New Yorkers with tats- no big deal.

Five days later, the roaring lion fell victim to too many showers, and my kite is hanging on by a thin faded string. I'm less and less hip with each wash.

Would I ever get a permanent tattoo?

Well, that's just bananas.

"Baby?"

Besides being the most precious toddler on the planet, my 1-year-old niece Gigi is very advanced verbally. If you point at a picture of a cow Gigi moos. If you ask "How does a horse go?"she clicks her tongue like hoofs. If you hold her in front of a mirror she says her name.

I know; She's a genius.

A few weeks ago while I was playing with her, Gigi pointed her tiny finger at my belly and asked earnestly, "Baby?"

Devil child.

I'm kidding. She's still perfect. But she did stare up at my stomach with her Bambi eyes and ask if there was a baby in there.

"Isn't that cute?" my sister-in-law responded. "She does that to everyone."

I laughed nervously. A-flipping-dorable.

Apparently, she's been asking this question since she met my recently pregnant older sister (her aunt) and learned there was a baby growing inside her belly. Now her sweet curiosity terrifies unsuspecting, unmarried and possibly bloated women across the city.

No no, Gigi. I'm not prego. No baby in there. No sirey Bob.

A couple weeks later, I walked into one of those all-organic, all-natural and all-expensive baby boutiques in Brooklyn searching for a gift for my newest niece Valentina.

The owner had her screaming 2-year-old in tow as she helped me pick out a swaddle blanket. He's teething, she explained serenely through his piercing cries, somehow unaffected. After a few minutes I was desperate to leave the store. The hysterical kid. The scary breast pumps. The $80 tiny T-shirts. I paid and ran.

No no, not ready for a baby. Not me. No sirey Bob.

A week or so after (I promise, I'm going somewhere with this.), I returned home from work in a terrible mood. The last few days had been hectic and stressful. Everything was frustrating me. I felt bogged down and blah. I worried life was getting dull and monotonous.

I proceeded to have a mini-freak out for no real reason.

To calm down I went for a jog at the gym. It didn't help. So I went for a walk along the river, but I still couldn't calm down. Even one delicious fudgecicle later, I was still worked up. I flipped open my laptop hoping for some good news. A new video of my week-old niece Valentina was sitting in my email inbox. I downloaded it. She was just waking up- scrunching her face and pouting her lips as she slowly opened her eyes. 10 amazing seconds.

The stress fell away. I was overcome with this skin-tingling joy for my sister and her husband. As long as Valentina keeps wrinkling her nose nothing could be wrong in the world.

Look, I'm far from ready for my own Gigi or Valentina. My last couple baby interactions serve as proof. But I do look forward to a day when someone just like them helps put my life into perspective. When a first cry or yawn or poop instantly shifts my priorities into order. When there's so much big stuff it's hard to sweat the small stuff.


Until then, I'm content being an aunt- the young New York one with that awesome blog.

Tomato Tomawful

The sun had set over my second night in Cartagena, Colombia. I was on a terrace 14 floors above the 400-year-old coastal city in what felt like the only skyrise. Sailboats twinkled as they bobbed in the turquoise Caribbean below. A sea breeze gasped through the 90-degree heat. My best friend Nicki and I had rushed off the dance floor for some air. Glass of vino tinto in one hand, skewered hors d'oeuvre in the other, I was almost giddy at the rehearsal dinner before my friend's destination wedding. I teethed a cube of jamon y queso and some tomatoey looking thing off the skewer. Two seconds later...

"Nicki, my skin feels really hot," I sat up to examine my arms in the moonlight. "Do you feel that?" My back started to burn, bad.

"I know, it's a million degrees here." Nicki hardly looked up from her malbec. I leaned back in my chair again, still uncomfortable. I searched for a sunburn on my arms as they boiled in the dark.

"But, it's like pins and needles," I complained. My mouth went dry. My tongue began to sting.

"Somethings wrong." I yelped. "My thung, it's pinths and needelths."

I gasped and covered my mouth after my tongue stammered. Now we both panicked.

"Oh my God! I cant thalk!"

Nicki yanked me indoors out of the dark. I was covered in hives- plump white bumps against tomato red arms, neck and back. My cheeks came next, flushed puffy pink above a mouth that had swelled to 3 times its size. My tongue, growing by the second, jut out past my bottom lip like a Shar-Pei panting after a jog. My heart pounded through a cold sweat. Two hives squinted my eyes. Every inch itched.

Nicki called for one of the doctors in the room (It's a Colombian wedding- there were 5). I was pushed into a chair where a dozen party guests surrounded me reacting in English and Spanish to the Shar-Pei face I hadn't seen but could feel. A 70ish-year-old Colombian relative of the groom grabbed my hands and commanded that I focus. In a raspy stern Spanish he shushed the crowd to ask if I could breathe.

I burst out crying. All I could mutter, "No puedo senthir mi lengua." (a heavily lisped, I can't feel my tongue.)

I was rushed into an air conditioned room, fed an Allegra and reassured that it wasn't "totally awful." Another doctor was coming with more medicine. I sat trembling still dotted with hives. The doctor, of course, was the only young attractive Colombian cousin in attendance- a plastic surgeon, naturally. His even tan, slick back hair and white linen pants bent down to ask me to stick out my swollen tongue. I lisped out what had happened to me- the "danthing", the heat, "the glath of wine" and the "thomato" before the botched facelift face. He pumped me full of an antihistamine. About three hours later it was all gone.

The next night, I walked down my friend's aisle as a bump-free bridesmaid.

Nobody's sure exactly what caused the severe allergic reaction. Maybe it was that Colombian fruit I had never tried. Maybe it was a couple glasses of wine mixed with an antibiotic I had started before my trip. We may never know.

Temporary deformation aside, I adored Cartagena and I suppose I owe it a thank you.

Spontaneous lisp-enduing and potentially life-threatening situations are what good blog posts are made of.

Hermit Crab Confessionals

I wish I had a good reason why I stopped blogging.

I've attempted and abandoned at least five different posts during the last six weeks of radio silence. One stale, unfocused idea after another- posts that put me to sleep, literally.

It doesn't feel right. My blog, when well kept, was the best habit I ever picked up. It kept me engaged, thoughtful and off of the Real Housewives. It saw me through a career jump, a couple ugly break ups, bad days (flies take over my apartment), really bad days (my tooth falls out) and all the other zig zags of well lived life in NYC. It connected me to people- friends, acquaintances and even a few international strangers who cared or were bored enough to follow me.

I miss it, and I want to come back. But even now when I've dedicated my evening to pushing out a post no matter what, my fingers hover over the keyboard, lost.

So here goes, the only thing I can think to write about:

When I was 11 years old I came home from a sleepover with a new pet hermit crab.

I didn't like him. I don't even think I named him. It was my friend's brilliant idea to beg her dad to drive us to the pet store to buy crabs. I pretended I wasn't scared of it. It looked like a giant roach stuffed into a shell. I reluctantly carried his plastic tank home the next morning. It was lined with magenta rocks and a couple branches we plucked from my friend's backyard. The nameless crab only came out of his shell to eat the pellets of food I plopped on his branch every day. The dislike seemed mutual.

Two weeks later my family went on vacation. I didn't bring the hermit crab. I left a pile of food on his branch. I was 11. I figured he would eat when he was hungry. A week later, when we returned from our vacation, my bedroom smelled like a dead crab. I poked him. He didn't writher.

I killed the crab.

I stuffed his tank in my Jansport and snuck out to our backyard. I nervously dug a hole and buried him with his magenta rocks. I made a cross over the mound with the branches from his tank. Kneeling over the pile of dirt, I searched for something to say. Suddenly I started sobbing- slowly then hysterically. I pictured him hungry and thirsty and dead. I apologized to him frantically.

I composed myself before I went back inside my house. I didn't tell my mom. In fact, I didn't tell anybody for at least a decade.

Fifteen years later, far more often than any sane person should, I think about that no-name hermit crab. I think about his little magenta rock grave behind my neighbor's swing set. It makes me feel nervous and guilty all over again.

I realized the only way to get rid of the hermit crab that haunts me is to publicly confess.

Mom, God, Blog- I killed that no-name crab. And I'm sorry.

Hermit crab skeletons out of my closet, I'm ready to come back blog.